gaping maw

-well this is going to post as fridays
entry even though technically
(where im from) its thursday night...
...no its not because of the time
difference- its because i haven't gone to
sleep yet...

because im busy fighting the future...
i want to believe but
the future is still a gaping maw
(see title) because im not saving
my marriage
and im not saving my academic
career and im not saving much
of anything right now...

at least this blog is saving
shit for me...

this blog is becoming a secret narrative
about the real reason im out here
in the first place... last year
when i past the fifteen year anniversary
mark of living in pdx i kept saying fifteen
years in capital letters... FIFTEEN YEARS!!!
i'd say and i'd be right... and i'd sound like
jeremy piven in grosse point blank when
he's yelling at john cusak for disappearing
without a goodbye or anything... except he
was yelling TEN YEARS!!! and smoking a joint...

i feel as stuck as ever and i still press forward...
i think i need to lean into the
wind a little more...

...or disappear more

-g

forget about your house of cards